Go- No- or – No go!

Continuing the story of my journey…

Song of Virginity

james_dean.jpgLife in the fast lane… ehh…

My love life was pretty casual, but for the most part it never went beyond flirting. Honestly. It was the early 1990’s and I lived my life mainly during the weekends.
I loved the night life: Dancing and loud music, being out all night until 5 or 6 am, dancing on the loudspeakers, flirting my way around like a careless drifter… I never stopped and thought about what I was doing or the dangers involved. I truly lived in the “here and now – ala James Dean” moment. Looking back I seriously wonder how I managed to make it through the weeks in between!

The bar served My favorite drink coke & whisky! Deliciously sweet and sharp and definitely made me care a lot less about – well, just about anything.

passion_love_kiss_lips_8019_1920x1200.jpgOn a few occasions, I would take a flirtatious guy up on “his offer” and end up in a…

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Respect has no grey zones

Continuing my story with this next blog post about date-rape.
As I share my “journey of the flesh”, I’m hoping that all the beautiful youngsters out there will think twice before… Before it might be too late.

Song of Virginity

greys1.jpg50 shades of grey? No’b – strike that!…

After my crucial “first yes” to loosing my virginity – and “yes” to have the knowledge of my own body’s reaction to intimacy – and the loss of innocence, it took some time before I entered “round 2”.

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This time I wanted a relationship and that happened in a really weird way;

I went on a school bus trip to the city of Prague. It was an all night drive to get there, but a week of studying the history of Prague and in case you haven’t been: It’s a gorgeous city! But it was a bus full of teens and for us the real trip was to party in a country where, at that time, everything was incredibly cheap.o-PRAGUE-900.jpg

We had emptied the hotel bar one night (for alcohol, not people) and the morning after, my hotel roommate found a note…

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Fist for fight

Between a black eye – and verbal abuse? I’d take the fist… (though I’d much prefer neither!).

People see and respond to a black eye. They know something went down. Through the years I learned that abuse have more faces than a Broadway theater production. And I’m not even an expert on the subject… Thankfully

I tried hard to figure out why I got myself involved with Mr. Pride, but I did – Boy, I should have seen that coming!

265c5f5ada98930e547c438d9b20a8b6.jpgAfter deliberately concealing Mr. Tough guy from my parents (see previous post: What if), I carried around a load of guilt.
Guilt made me look for a guy whom my parents would like to see me with. That’s a “parent trap” if one was ever made! A good decent guy? Well, I found one… but “peel an onion and you begin to cry”!

There was no real spark between us. No physical attraction. But we would look good on family photos and it was a really good frosting on the guilt cake. My parents were thrilled; A decent guy with a good education… oh yeah – they saw grandkids already.

But, between Mr. Tough guy and Mr. Pride I found a “perfect” anti-climax!

giphy-1.gifWe went on a couple of dates. He came over for dinner, I visited him in his rental place. He lived remote from his workplace and 3 months after our first date, he was already talking about moving in to my apartment. I lived 5 min from his work… his argument? We could save a lot of money.

Yeah, that’s not really what you want to hear if a guy wants to move in with you… huh!

I stalled for as long as I could. But 6 months into the relationship, he brought it up with my dad and I couldn’t stall anymore… argh!Bad-Sex.jpg

At the same time, between the sheets things were no good and it was impossible to talk about. The reality probably was that Mr. Pride really couldn’t compete with my previous experiences.

 

While moving in, he arrogantly laid down the rule; His expensive design stayed – The rest had to go! I actually really liked my furniture…
But my parents were thrilled and I wanted to please them. So I agreed (not) – while drowning and compromising myself.

Arrogant-man.jpgI tried – I really did. But he got increasingly arrogant, critical, argumentative and it drove me nuts. Everything had to be his way and his style. If I was of a different opinion or taste, then I was wrong and he would both publicly, privately and within the family correct me and argue against me. He became angry if something disturbed his “picture perfect” family image.

My choice of tablecloth was changed into “the correct designer brand”. I of course participated in selecting the patterns and colors, because otherwise it would look like he was “in charge”… ?!? – but it had to be his choice of brand. After a year of this tension, I was broken and lost my voice. I became a doll-like person too scared to speak.

While my parents were waiting for a declaration of engagement, I was working up the nerve to tell him to move out. When I told my parents the break up news – to my shock – they supported Mr. Pride and despite my explanations of what had gone on, they couldn’t believe I wanted out.
I said “But I want to be happy” and my dad responded “happy loneliness”.
I told my mom “but I don’t love him” and she said “why don’t you just take him – he does everything for you!”.

111215031115-woman-black-eye-abuse-story-top.jpgSometimes, a fist in the face that leaves a visible bruise, is far easier to explain than low-key verbal abuse. Had I had a bruise, my dad and brother would have kicked Mr. Pride’s *beeep*… but all I had was an outwardly “perfect relationship” which I, as the “bad guy” wanted to end. – And all this, because I wanted to please my parents so I guilt-300x299.jpgcould cover up the guilty feeling inside.

Guilt! It’s a bad friend to walk with!

I have surrendered to the Spirit of Jesus and I no longer feel that guilt. I laid it at the cross. It doesn’t make things right, but my heart was made whole again. I can’t change my past. But maybe I can help you decide your future.

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Something to think about – guest post by Heather Davis

I’m so very proud and happy to welcome to the Song of Virginity blog the first female guest blogger; Heather Davis from Running the race. Personally I couldn’t resist her “about” words, so I’ll let those speak for themselves:

Disciple of Christ, adorer of God, often wayward or distracted student of the Holy Spirit, dedicated wife, homeschool mom of three, and sometime freelance writer and photographer, inquisitive nature lover, hiker, dog owner, and word nerd all bundled into about 5″1′ of physical space

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dc-Cover-m14v01gc2qsoajolanbjej8ol4-20160211155224.Medi.jpegMy wedding was one of the most thrilling days of my life, but it was nothing compared to the wedding night. All through the ceremony, my new husband and I had eyes only for each other as we looked forward to the night ahead. Both of us were intoxicated with the anticipation of coming together as man and wife and exploring the as-yet unknown territory of physical love. That night, we would consummate our commitment to one another, and for the rest of our lives we would have one another’s bodies to explore and enjoy without shame or fear of disease. Cuba Photos 008.jpg
On our wedding night, I gave my husband a gift that was precious and priceless because it could be only given once; I gave him my virginity. All the months of self-control, of delayed gratification and increasing sexual attraction were finally unleashed in a physical expression of our love. We were now united in a concrete way, giving us a beautiful glimpse of what God meant when He said a man and his wife shall become one flesh.

At least, that’s how I wish my story went.

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Instead, I did not treasure virginity as a young woman, and so at the age of 19 I gave it away for a poorly sung song. Pathetically, that ‘song’ was nothing more thrilling than insincere flattery from an older, somewhat disturbed man – and not even a particularly attractive one.

I wish I could say I gave it up for love.
I even wish I could say it was for lust, but the truth is nothing so noble as either of these. I discarded my virginity away out of shame.

In my teens, I struggled with body image issues. Despite a 24-inch waistline and other evidence to the contrary, I was convinced that I was fat, unattractive, and entirely undesirable. Somehow, in some twisted way, I thought having sex would bolster my confidence, perhaps make me feel more sophisticated or some such thing.
However, because I naively believed the hook-up culture lie that sex was an act as casual and easily forgotten as a handshake, I was wholly unprepared for the emotional onslaught that followed.
And you could say that emotional onslaughts were not exactly my forte at the time. 21647039.jpg

Worst of all, once the deed was done, instead of feeling the security of being wanted and loved that I craved, I only felt more shame. This cycle continued for years: shame fueling poor choices which increased my shame… and so on, and so on. Sometimes there were brief interludes of fun, but mostly it was horrid. The aftermath was always horrid.

Fortunately for me, there is a God who saw me, who saw past my terrible choices to my broken heart. He knew the reason for my recklessness, knew the poor self-image I carried and the weight of guilt that dragged me further into the muck with each step.

In His compassion, He allowed me to reap the consequences of my careless sexual behavior – consequences that culminated in pregnancy. That got my attention.
Now that I was finally listening, He revealed the Savior who carried my shame to the cross and there paid the price of my sin with His own life, lending me His garment of righteousness to cover my shame.
gods-hands.jpgBlessed be His name, He forgave me and set me free from the destructive cycle of guilt. And what’s more, by His grace, the father of the child did not flee (as so many do) but became my husband and has loved and supported our family ever since.

However, although now forgiven and free, I still have deep regret that I was unable to come to my marriage bed in purity. For my husband and me, our wedding night was just a night like so many others; there was nothing sacred or special or even particularly noteworthy about it. Something that could have been beautiful and memorable was merely commonplace.

Wishing it were not so changes nothing, but perhaps telling you my story will.de699bb7c71821400dad451ca49ad012.jpg

Perhaps this tale will give you something to think about, particularly in those moments where temptation or even shame erode your resolve. Hang in there!
And if you have already caved in and hanging in there is not an option, there’s still hope in Christ. He makes all things new, even our soiled and broken hearts.

 

 

Real Men – Guest post by Julian

Julian is a one-of-a-kind man and I’m so pleased to have him guest blog here on Song of Virginity. His blog Julian for Jesus is a genuine, passionate and loving blog – I bet you would want to go check it out, once you’ve read his post here:

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Before I say anything I would like to make it very clear that sex in and of itself is not a sin, it is a creation of God used to join two individuals together, express love and affection and to reproduce. Sex becomes a sin if it is before marriage, and/or with people other than your spouse and/or with someone of the same gender.

MY STORY

Growing up my generation viewed virginity as a weight that needed to be lifted off of our shoulders. Personally I hated this perspective, not because I was a goodie two shoes or had a righteous view on sex at the time, but because I was absolutely TERRIFIED of being intimate with someone. So much so that when I had the opportunity to lose my proverbial V card at 13 I prayed that it wouldn’t work out.man-praying

Lord I pray that somehow you can get me out of having sex today! Thank you! Amen!

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Thankfully God answered that prayer!!! 

 

But of course this wouldn’t be the only pressuring situation that I would find myself in. My family was quite fond of the idea of a male losing his virginity early. It was a common view that the longer you went without losing your “innocence” the more of a “loser” you were. When some family members of mine got wind of the fact that “IT” didn’t go down when it was supposed to, I was given an ultimatum; either lose my virginity by 16 or they would bring me to a brothel and pay for me to have my first sexual experience.

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Me: are you serious?

The pressure as a young teen to lose your virginity was so heavy that in order to relieve himself of the “shame”, a friend of mine with great lament gave his virginity to a girl in our neighborhood that was known to sleep around with several different men.
To my surprise he wasn’t scrutinized a bit for it, in fact it seemed as though people deemed it to be better to lose your virginity to someone who “got around” than to still be a virgin. The tables were actually turned on me and I was asked why I still haven’t done it yet. We were about sixteen at the time so to me this was befuddling.

QUESTION

Why encourage someone so young to have sex and before they are ready? Why do high schools, middle schools and even a couple of elementary schools hand out condoms to their students? Why is a sex symbol like Kim Kardashian making appearances at the kids choice awards?

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Satan tries his best to attack you in your adolescence so when you become an adult he doesn’t have to work as hard to get you to stumble or fall. He sets you up with preconceived notions about love, sex, marriage and God so that when you grow up and read about the right way of doing things, you find that it is contrary to what society approves of and you become indifferent and are less inclined to abide by the laws that God established. Essentially when we become adults and study our bibles we have to reprogram the mind that Satan molded throughout our childhood.

QUESTION

Why is premarital sex glorified in the media today? Why are men praised for having sexual relations with multiple partners and why are women looking for moral equality in this category?

CONCLUSION

489_make-her-want-it-more-1037692-TwoByOne.jpgAfter convincing the world that sex is permissible outside the confines of marriage, Satan decided to make it a matter of equal moral rights. Women would like to be praised or at least not ridiculed for having many partners. This just creates a demand for equal dispense of pleasantries in regards to sinning. Two wrongs don’t make a right but it all starts with our behavior as males. We have to stop praising one another for wrongdoings and start encouraging each other to resist temptation.
Sexual tension is one of the hardest things to ignore.
When you feel yourself getting riled up with lust and you quiver beneath your loins, the only thing you seek is to relieve yourself of this sultry sensation that overwhelms your body. This is why it is such a pivotal weapon for Satan to use against us. It is way too difficult to ignore our flesh when it craves satisfaction.

As MEN OF GOD we have to practice self control Thessalonians 4:3-5 says, “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God;”

999999.pngThe world glorifies debauchery but we as Christian men are called to be different because all of what we do represents God and Gods word says,
“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people” (Ephesians 5:3),
and “be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”(Romans 12:2).

 

Please understand that sexual immorality is not just a matter of “if I sin God will be upset with me.” Every time temptation knocks on your door a war breaks out in the spiritual realm and whenever you give in to a lust you are giving control to other worldly beings who are dedicated to bringing about your destruction.16c6d133dfa5e372c18352f3e54bb76b.jpg
Ephesians 6:12 “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

We are legitimate warriors for Christ and if we are with the world we stand against Jesus and will one day be judged by Him. So it is important that every day we suit up for the Lord and combat the world instead.
Dawn the full armor of God and silence your flesh!
Gain control and be a REAL MAN!!! 
Set an example that women and younger generations can look up to.

Waiting for marriage isn’t just saving yourself for the perfect woman. It is a beautiful example of obedience and reverence for God. It also is a showing of true strength and self control.
Don’t just be a man; Be an illustration of a Godly man.

Troubles are not permanent – Scars are

Trouble was looming!

silly-face.pngMr. Temper arrived on the scene. Oh my oh my… I was 10 kinds of blind, stupid and deaf. People warned me against him… told me he was living with another woman.
I actually found that out pretty quick, but the sad part was that I seriously couldn’t care less. I had it so bad for this guy that it gives me chills to think about now! I was head over heels in love!

We met when he could – e.g. when he could get away from home, okay “her”… He couldn’t choose between us, so he kept us both. For a time. Eventually, she left him and he came crying to me…
The 10 kinds of stupid I mentioned before – This was one of them: He cried to ME about her leaving him. Whaaat? Seriously disturbed.
We ended up living together and I can’t say my family were thrilled by this, but they had little choice; I was enough of a rebel to choose him over my family.

Good heavens – What I want to call “stupidity” here, was actually a deep inability to love myself…

The first year went fine. Well, I was walking around in circles totally dumb’ed out by this guy. The 2nd year went straight downward: I fell out of love and regained my sight! I began to withdraw from him. Felt stuck and wanted out but was still attracted to him, so really didn’t want out.
No, it doesn’t make much sense.abusive relationshipppp.jpg
I somehow knew he found a mistress. Though I couldn’t prove anything, he was an incredible liar. I had been the new girlfriend. Now I was the girlfriend he was trying to ditch.

Same script, different cast.

We reached a point when tension hit the roof and I tried to get out of the relationship. For some reason that provoked him greatly.

We ended up having a fight but when I said I wanted out, he grabbed my arms and pushed me up against the wall. I should have been angry and hurt. But I was just plain scared. A phone call came and he had to leave. But before he left, he told me he was sorry, he said he was scared of loosing me and he was afraid I wasn’t gonna be there when he got back – he was right.

Before you think “duh – of course you should get out of there”, let me tell you: Leaving that day was an incredibly tough decision, though I have no rational reason for it. I knew it was right, but I still loved the guy.

As the “charming bad guy” I was hopelessly attracted to him and we continued to meet for several months until I finally broke it off. The relationship was sick at the core – he had a bad temper and had told lies since I met him.
Today I wonder what he actually valued.

Iimg_0059.jpg got out of this troubled relationship – eventually. But the mental scars are still there. This was like an orchestra playing on my emotional piano. Just saying “no” wasn’t at all “just that easy”!!

The point I’m trying to make here is simple: The only thing worse than a liar, is a liar with a  bad temper! If the values are questionable and the personal life a mess, stay away until things are in alignment…

Values are what the Bible gives us because we are valuable to God!

If lies are spoken, the heart is full of them.
Jesus tells us to “love your neighbor as yourself”. Please don’t miss out on that last part: Love… yourself! Jesus tells us to. And a part of loving ourselves is to put up boundaries and not allow some person to use us as a doormat.

76178_10151438508061718_230102970_n.jpgBecause God is present with all of us, whether we want to believe it or not, He was well aware of what I went through in my younger years. He allowed it… and also shielded me, because His purpose all along had been to use me to share my experiences with all the young people of today – I know you are facing peer pressure, I know porn, soft and hard, are available online for free, I know fashion states you to dress in certain ways etc…

My prayer is that Jesus brings this message to you:

A part of loving yourself is to protect yourself from harm.

 

Go- No- or – No go!

james_dean.jpgLife in the fast lane… ehh…

My love life was pretty casual, but for the most part it never went beyond flirting. Honestly. It was the early 1990’s and I lived my life mainly during the weekends.
I loved the night life: Dancing and loud music, being out all night until 5 or 6 am, dancing on the loudspeakers, flirting my way around like a careless drifter… I never stopped and thought about what I was doing or the dangers involved. I truly lived in the “here and now – ala James Dean” moment. Looking back I seriously wonder how I managed to make it through the weeks in between!

The bar served My favorite drink coke & whisky! Deliciously sweet and sharp and definitely made me care a lot less about – well, just about anything.

passion_love_kiss_lips_8019_1920x1200.jpgOn a few occasions, I would take a flirtatious guy up on “his offer” and end up in a bed not my own. Most guys were kind… but if you choose to venture out there – in the “field of passion” – you need to know the risks.
–  Fixing myself a coke & whisky to share one night which still stands chiseled in my mind:

I had been dancing and drinking since arriving at the nightclub, e.g. at least a couple of hours. Mr. X and I were socializing in the same circles. We kind of knew each other though we hadn’t flirted before that night and I’m wondering if it really was flirting as – well, looking back, Mr. X was by no means a guy with a look I would normally fall for.

We got to his place and I admit that after that, I remember only bits and pieces… I remember his bedroom, the smell of soap, his eyes looking at me with some empty unexplainable look and his hand between my legs. Creepy…
I remember no kissing or foreplay. And then I remember the pain as he tried to penetrate several times and each time with a harder push – and then my mind goes totally blank.

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I woke up slightly disoriented. I can’t remember if Mr. X was in bed, but I got up and saw a whole lot of blood stains on the white bedsheets and a line of dried blood down both my thighs and blood on my hips and body. And it was not that time of the month!
I washed myself and got dressed and left.

I was 17 at the time and my actions was 10 kinds of stupid. A futile attempt to fill a void in my heart. A place where love should be thriving, but was utterly empty.

Saying yes the first time, makes it easier to say yes the second time and third time and after that, it becomes “normal”.

a-segment-on-scars-10-638.jpg But the bottom line is as usual; It was my choice.
I could have chosen not to go home with the guy.
It does not justify his actions, but young girls and guys;
God gave us rules to protect us, not to restrain us. 
The Lord taught me a valuable lesson that night – in retrospect of course as back then I had no Almighty Lord to pray to. Humans procreate no more different than animals; Instincts given to us at creation takes over the brain function if the passion is allowed to go on too long and there is no self-control.
If one says “go” but the other says “no” – One person will get hurt and the Living Lord gets hurt through it.

Nobody knows me like God does and even 10 kinds of stupid can be forgiven. My wounds beneath has been healed, but I’m left with the scars and memories of my actions. Mr. X is a face I would have chosen to erase from my memory bank if I could…

Just think twice!

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And with this I go before my Lord asking Him to take my message to those He wishes hears it, to guide those who need guidance, to heal those who need healing. Only by sharing the scars you have healed Lord, can I show someone that only you Lord Jesus can fill any void in a heart searching for love. I pray those You choose Lord, will allow you in. Amen.

 

Somewhere around 16

As naive as I was at age 16, tumblr_ktfjxl20iW1qa3yd4o1_500.jpgI was fully aware of my own body and – guys? They were… well… interesting. At 16 I was a little “behind” my friends who had already gone straight for the prize of loosing their virginity. It was popular at the time to “know what you were doing” and yet Madonna was still singing “like a virgin” (despite at the time it being 5 years old). The mind of a teen girl is plenty messed up without adding boys and music into the mix, but that’s the reality of the world. It was 1989.

I honestly do not know what I expected when my virginity were at the brink of gone. Before, during nor after.

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But I can say for sure that “food-sex” never crossed my mind!
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I had been partying at the harbour festival and met this mr. nice guy. Yes, he was actually a really nice guy… to look at. Spoiled rotten high class guy with irresistible charm.

images.jpegI remember pondering which way to go when he asked me to come over the following week… You gotta remember here, I had no Lord to hold dear at that point. I was accountable only to myself (parents?… I don’t think I ever intended to tell them anything). I made a most curious yet crucial decision that week – I was going to go, experience “the first time” and never see the guy again. That way, I didn’t have to care at all and quite frankly, he was exactly the type of guy for that type of casual relationship.

After talking in the kitchen for a bit he started to tell me about his ex-girlfriend (… today I wonder why I allowed him anywhere near my body! – his ex-girlfriend?? really??) ChocolateSpa1.jpgand how they used to have food sex. Smear each other in all sorts of delicacies and well… you get the idea! –
I said no way… but an hour later I was no longer an innocent virgin.

I have heard gruesome stories of how horrible and painful the first time can be. I have no doubt that it is possible… but for me there was no pain and I felt no loss. My body responded and it was actually really nice and he was a very gentle and kind guy. I walked out of his home and never looked back.

Should I have done what I did? No’b.
Why was it such a crucial decision? Because that was the moment I decided not to care.
But the fact remains that it was my choice;
I lost my virginity that day because I wanted to…

I didn’t know any better and with that I began a journey with the desires of the flesh. c6c596d48199df7c1b4a463867edaa18.jpg

I never saw the guy again, didn’t want to, I didn’t love him and I hadn’t fallen in love with him. I had no emotional attachment at all.
In today’s world I believe it’s known as casual sex.

 

 

dontknow-blog.pngSex outside of marriage is a sin against the Lord! But I did not understand that I was accountable… I was 16. Had never gone to church. Had parents who said “if you’re gonna do it, do it safely – make sure he wears a condom”.

Had I heard that sex before marriage is a sin? Of course… “But God did not exist so who cared”… Well, years later I discovered that Jesus did – He cared!

Jesus-Cares-for-you.jpegBut at the time I had no idea how badly I hurt Him. Or how bad my reputation would get as I got on that journey of the flesh. Do I regret things today? well, yes… but I can’t go back in time and change anything. And everything I went through made me who I am today and God is using this – to reach you. I pray He does.

As for the food sex… then that lingered in my mind for a long time. Food-sex-584831.jpg

Warning: Unless you have an open mind, do not read on… but if you can handle it, here goes: If you need a little something to spice up your marital life, then chili, chocolate and honey are recommendable. The whip cream you see in the movies? Melts too fast… and cover your bed-sheets with an old towel!! It’s fun, but it’s not like the movies!