Troubles are not permanent – Scars are

Continuing the story of my journey…

Song of Virginity

Trouble was looming!

silly-face.pngMr. Temper arrived on the scene. Oh my oh my… I was 10 kinds of blind, stupid and deaf. People warned me against him… told me he was living with another woman.
I actually found that out pretty quick, but the sad part was that I seriously couldn’t care less. I had it so bad for this guy that it gives me chills to think about now! I was head over heels in love!

We met when he could – e.g. when he could get away from home, okay “her”… He couldn’t choose between us, so he kept us both. For a time. Eventually, she left him and he came crying to me…
The 10 kinds of stupid I mentioned before – This was one of them: He cried to ME about her leaving him. Whaaat? Seriously disturbed.
We ended up living together and I can’t…

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Go- No- or – No go!

Continuing the story of my journey…

Song of Virginity

james_dean.jpgLife in the fast lane… ehh…

My love life was pretty casual, but for the most part it never went beyond flirting. Honestly. It was the early 1990’s and I lived my life mainly during the weekends.
I loved the night life: Dancing and loud music, being out all night until 5 or 6 am, dancing on the loudspeakers, flirting my way around like a careless drifter… I never stopped and thought about what I was doing or the dangers involved. I truly lived in the “here and now – ala James Dean” moment. Looking back I seriously wonder how I managed to make it through the weeks in between!

The bar served My favorite drink coke & whisky! Deliciously sweet and sharp and definitely made me care a lot less about – well, just about anything.

passion_love_kiss_lips_8019_1920x1200.jpgOn a few occasions, I would take a flirtatious guy up on “his offer” and end up in a…

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Fist for fight

Between a black eye – and verbal abuse? I’d take the fist… (though I’d much prefer neither!).

People see and respond to a black eye. They know something went down. Through the years I learned that abuse have more faces than a Broadway theater production. And I’m not even an expert on the subject… Thankfully

I tried hard to figure out why I got myself involved with Mr. Pride, but I did – Boy, I should have seen that coming!

265c5f5ada98930e547c438d9b20a8b6.jpgAfter deliberately concealing Mr. Tough guy from my parents (see previous post: What if), I carried around a load of guilt.
Guilt made me look for a guy whom my parents would like to see me with. That’s a “parent trap” if one was ever made! A good decent guy? Well, I found one… but “peel an onion and you begin to cry”!

There was no real spark between us. No physical attraction. But we would look good on family photos and it was a really good frosting on the guilt cake. My parents were thrilled; A decent guy with a good education… oh yeah – they saw grandkids already.

But, between Mr. Tough guy and Mr. Pride I found a “perfect” anti-climax!

giphy-1.gifWe went on a couple of dates. He came over for dinner, I visited him in his rental place. He lived remote from his workplace and 3 months after our first date, he was already talking about moving in to my apartment. I lived 5 min from his work… his argument? We could save a lot of money.

Yeah, that’s not really what you want to hear if a guy wants to move in with you… huh!

I stalled for as long as I could. But 6 months into the relationship, he brought it up with my dad and I couldn’t stall anymore… argh!Bad-Sex.jpg

At the same time, between the sheets things were no good and it was impossible to talk about. The reality probably was that Mr. Pride really couldn’t compete with my previous experiences.

 

While moving in, he arrogantly laid down the rule; His expensive design stayed – The rest had to go! I actually really liked my furniture…
But my parents were thrilled and I wanted to please them. So I agreed (not) – while drowning and compromising myself.

Arrogant-man.jpgI tried – I really did. But he got increasingly arrogant, critical, argumentative and it drove me nuts. Everything had to be his way and his style. If I was of a different opinion or taste, then I was wrong and he would both publicly, privately and within the family correct me and argue against me. He became angry if something disturbed his “picture perfect” family image.

My choice of tablecloth was changed into “the correct designer brand”. I of course participated in selecting the patterns and colors, because otherwise it would look like he was “in charge”… ?!? – but it had to be his choice of brand. After a year of this tension, I was broken and lost my voice. I became a doll-like person too scared to speak.

While my parents were waiting for a declaration of engagement, I was working up the nerve to tell him to move out. When I told my parents the break up news – to my shock – they supported Mr. Pride and despite my explanations of what had gone on, they couldn’t believe I wanted out.
I said “But I want to be happy” and my dad responded “happy loneliness”.
I told my mom “but I don’t love him” and she said “why don’t you just take him – he does everything for you!”.

111215031115-woman-black-eye-abuse-story-top.jpgSometimes, a fist in the face that leaves a visible bruise, is far easier to explain than low-key verbal abuse. Had I had a bruise, my dad and brother would have kicked Mr. Pride’s *beeep*… but all I had was an outwardly “perfect relationship” which I, as the “bad guy” wanted to end. – And all this, because I wanted to please my parents so I guilt-300x299.jpgcould cover up the guilty feeling inside.

Guilt! It’s a bad friend to walk with!

I have surrendered to the Spirit of Jesus and I no longer feel that guilt. I laid it at the cross. It doesn’t make things right, but my heart was made whole again. I can’t change my past. But maybe I can help you decide your future.

surrendering-your-pain.jpg

Troubles are not permanent – Scars are

Trouble was looming!

silly-face.pngMr. Temper arrived on the scene. Oh my oh my… I was 10 kinds of blind, stupid and deaf. People warned me against him… told me he was living with another woman.
I actually found that out pretty quick, but the sad part was that I seriously couldn’t care less. I had it so bad for this guy that it gives me chills to think about now! I was head over heels in love!

We met when he could – e.g. when he could get away from home, okay “her”… He couldn’t choose between us, so he kept us both. For a time. Eventually, she left him and he came crying to me…
The 10 kinds of stupid I mentioned before – This was one of them: He cried to ME about her leaving him. Whaaat? Seriously disturbed.
We ended up living together and I can’t say my family were thrilled by this, but they had little choice; I was enough of a rebel to choose him over my family.

Good heavens – What I want to call “stupidity” here, was actually a deep inability to love myself…

The first year went fine. Well, I was walking around in circles totally dumb’ed out by this guy. The 2nd year went straight downward: I fell out of love and regained my sight! I began to withdraw from him. Felt stuck and wanted out but was still attracted to him, so really didn’t want out.
No, it doesn’t make much sense.abusive relationshipppp.jpg
I somehow knew he found a mistress. Though I couldn’t prove anything, he was an incredible liar. I had been the new girlfriend. Now I was the girlfriend he was trying to ditch.

Same script, different cast.

We reached a point when tension hit the roof and I tried to get out of the relationship. For some reason that provoked him greatly.

We ended up having a fight but when I said I wanted out, he grabbed my arms and pushed me up against the wall. I should have been angry and hurt. But I was just plain scared. A phone call came and he had to leave. But before he left, he told me he was sorry, he said he was scared of loosing me and he was afraid I wasn’t gonna be there when he got back – he was right.

Before you think “duh – of course you should get out of there”, let me tell you: Leaving that day was an incredibly tough decision, though I have no rational reason for it. I knew it was right, but I still loved the guy.

As the “charming bad guy” I was hopelessly attracted to him and we continued to meet for several months until I finally broke it off. The relationship was sick at the core – he had a bad temper and had told lies since I met him.
Today I wonder what he actually valued.

Iimg_0059.jpg got out of this troubled relationship – eventually. But the mental scars are still there. This was like an orchestra playing on my emotional piano. Just saying “no” wasn’t at all “just that easy”!!

The point I’m trying to make here is simple: The only thing worse than a liar, is a liar with a  bad temper! If the values are questionable and the personal life a mess, stay away until things are in alignment…

Values are what the Bible gives us because we are valuable to God!

If lies are spoken, the heart is full of them.
Jesus tells us to “love your neighbor as yourself”. Please don’t miss out on that last part: Love… yourself! Jesus tells us to. And a part of loving ourselves is to put up boundaries and not allow some person to use us as a doormat.

76178_10151438508061718_230102970_n.jpgBecause God is present with all of us, whether we want to believe it or not, He was well aware of what I went through in my younger years. He allowed it… and also shielded me, because His purpose all along had been to use me to share my experiences with all the young people of today – I know you are facing peer pressure, I know porn, soft and hard, are available online for free, I know fashion states you to dress in certain ways etc…

My prayer is that Jesus brings this message to you:

A part of loving yourself is to protect yourself from harm.