Finally Free, or..?

With a pair of parents who couldn’t understand why I discarded “a stable marriage with kids” for what they called “loneliness”, it was no easy task to lick my wounds. But now that I was out of my not-so-picture-perfect verbally abusive relationship, I chose my days carefully and opted not to visit my parents, if I could find a way not to. chained.jpg

One day at work, a sales-guy from London called, wanting to be put through to the big boss. That particular big boss refused to speak to salespeople and I was his bulldog. The guy was persistent but so was I and from that sprung a longer conversation… which continued into lunch break and private phone number exchange.

He called, I called… we talked for hours… and London-Copenhagen flights are 2 hours and cheap – well, ended up being cheaper than the phone bill! Before we knew it, he was flying in from London to meet me.

Good heavens, what was I doing…
I was having fun… that’s what!

couple-mountian-motorcycle-riders-for-love.jpgWe spent a nice weekend together and though I perhaps knew it wouldn’t last, I decided to breath in the moment. He rode a motorcycle and I have always had a hard time resisting that… Oh my!! Riding on that big thing, going fast through the english countryside – Now that was enthralling to me!

So for the sake of keeping up with my story-post-line, I’ll name him Mr. Bike! For a few months we flew back and forth every other weekend, but gradually the interest dropped…

After staying at his flat and seeing the bachelor side of him… ahem… I also learned that he wanted not just a wife, but a “mom” and when I realized his head was full of “how to become a millionaire in a heartbeat” ideas, I got very cold feet – in a sense.
One of those ideas included moving to Copenhagen, live with me and do online commodity trade… I immediately had flashbacks and pulled out… He did the exact same thing as Mr. Pride – came up with barrels of good points as to why it was a good idea. I disagreed!
Our final weekend together was rather awkward and it all came to an end in the tube of London. As the train rolled out towards Heathrow airport I breathed a sigh of relief.

It’s perhaps a nice story in a sense, but it could have been a horrible nightmare. Back then not many people thought of human trafficking, sex trade or the likes, but it existed! Between the photo he had sent me and the day we met, a couple of kilos measured in 10’s had grown on him. He was nice looking though, but let’s just say I anticipated something different. I’m not hung up on looks, but my point is: 7-Dangers-of-the-Internet-for-Kids.jpg

Meeting perfect strangers is to meet a perfect stranger! Even after hours on a phone or email, words can deceive and pictures can lie – it all boils down to: Humans can lie! 
In today’s world, doing what I did back then – could be incredibly dangerous. I had no lifelines: people who knew where I was, expecting a check up call from me and knew who I was with.

How did I become so reckless?
A huge gaping hole in my heart and a bleeding wound from an ex-boyfriend and unsupportive parents. That’s how.
Was it their fault?
No. I own my own mistakes.

Looking back on this short, rather intense affair of the heart, I realize that it served but one purpose:
So I could lick my wounds and recover after Mr. Pride.
But I didn’t recover. Not really.
I was simply trying to fill a wound with what looked soft and romantic but underneath was not much more than another sharp knife.

If only I had looked to the real place of love.
Where love is unconditional and freely flowing.
Where love never runs out and where a wound can truly be healed and filled up.

With Jesus there is healing of wounds. blogger-image--298974431.jpg

 

Internet safety is vital. This is a link to Dangers of internet for kids if you are interested in reading more.

Fist for fight

Between a black eye – and verbal abuse? I’d take the fist… (though I’d much prefer neither!).

People see and respond to a black eye. They know something went down. Through the years I learned that abuse have more faces than a Broadway theater production. And I’m not even an expert on the subject… Thankfully

I tried hard to figure out why I got myself involved with Mr. Pride, but I did – Boy, I should have seen that coming!

265c5f5ada98930e547c438d9b20a8b6.jpgAfter deliberately concealing Mr. Tough guy from my parents (see previous post: What if), I carried around a load of guilt.
Guilt made me look for a guy whom my parents would like to see me with. That’s a “parent trap” if one was ever made! A good decent guy? Well, I found one… but “peel an onion and you begin to cry”!

There was no real spark between us. No physical attraction. But we would look good on family photos and it was a really good frosting on the guilt cake. My parents were thrilled; A decent guy with a good education… oh yeah – they saw grandkids already.

But, between Mr. Tough guy and Mr. Pride I found a “perfect” anti-climax!

giphy-1.gifWe went on a couple of dates. He came over for dinner, I visited him in his rental place. He lived remote from his workplace and 3 months after our first date, he was already talking about moving in to my apartment. I lived 5 min from his work… his argument? We could save a lot of money.

Yeah, that’s not really what you want to hear if a guy wants to move in with you… huh!

I stalled for as long as I could. But 6 months into the relationship, he brought it up with my dad and I couldn’t stall anymore… argh!Bad-Sex.jpg

At the same time, between the sheets things were no good and it was impossible to talk about. The reality probably was that Mr. Pride really couldn’t compete with my previous experiences.

 

While moving in, he arrogantly laid down the rule; His expensive design stayed – The rest had to go! I actually really liked my furniture…
But my parents were thrilled and I wanted to please them. So I agreed (not) – while drowning and compromising myself.

Arrogant-man.jpgI tried – I really did. But he got increasingly arrogant, critical, argumentative and it drove me nuts. Everything had to be his way and his style. If I was of a different opinion or taste, then I was wrong and he would both publicly, privately and within the family correct me and argue against me. He became angry if something disturbed his “picture perfect” family image.

My choice of tablecloth was changed into “the correct designer brand”. I of course participated in selecting the patterns and colors, because otherwise it would look like he was “in charge”… ?!? – but it had to be his choice of brand. After a year of this tension, I was broken and lost my voice. I became a doll-like person too scared to speak.

While my parents were waiting for a declaration of engagement, I was working up the nerve to tell him to move out. When I told my parents the break up news – to my shock – they supported Mr. Pride and despite my explanations of what had gone on, they couldn’t believe I wanted out.
I said “But I want to be happy” and my dad responded “happy loneliness”.
I told my mom “but I don’t love him” and she said “why don’t you just take him – he does everything for you!”.

111215031115-woman-black-eye-abuse-story-top.jpgSometimes, a fist in the face that leaves a visible bruise, is far easier to explain than low-key verbal abuse. Had I had a bruise, my dad and brother would have kicked Mr. Pride’s *beeep*… but all I had was an outwardly “perfect relationship” which I, as the “bad guy” wanted to end. – And all this, because I wanted to please my parents so I guilt-300x299.jpgcould cover up the guilty feeling inside.

Guilt! It’s a bad friend to walk with!

I have surrendered to the Spirit of Jesus and I no longer feel that guilt. I laid it at the cross. It doesn’t make things right, but my heart was made whole again. I can’t change my past. But maybe I can help you decide your future.

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What if…

What if Mr. Tough Guy and I had more between us than skin. Maybe if Jesus had been a part of our lives. What if…

This post addresses the most intense love affair of my life. This part is very difficult for me to share and maybe I’ll even take a shot of whisky & cola!
Because somewhere in my heart, I still love him. 

37667cb6b315bab9b446074a85d7c9a2.jpgHe was 38. I was 20. I know – “ew – old man, young girl”… The only evidence of his age though was probably his grey hair, but…

He was simply oh! so! s-e-x-y!!

I’m not kidding. His biceps were – ahem – big. He was a paver by profession, lifting heavy stones and paving the most beautiful patterns pavements can have – especially in “royal countries” if that might spark your imagination…  His hands were rough and skin was suntanned, the tattoos were intriguing and his look was that of a biker. I name him Mr. Tough Guy for good reason.

 

After I had finally squirmed away from Mr. Temper, all I really wanted was to feel safe. Safe in the arms of someone who would not force himself on me or throw a temper tantrum. Mr. Tough Guy was safe, respectful and kind at heart.

When he was 18 he married this girl who had a very young baby boy (with a guy who packed it all up and left). He adopted the child and considered it his own flesh and blood. After some years they had two more sons followed by a divorce. So in essence I was the girlfriend to a weekend dad and younger than his oldest son. A little weird.

tumblr_nn8jtirTli1qjj2qyo2_400.gifI remember our first kiss. Very very romantic… definitely fit for a romantic movie. I also remember being carried from the kiss to the bed and… I definitely remember the intensity of… well, you get the picture! I can honestly say that I have never experienced anything so intense before or after. It was like a movie screen play!

Our bodies were evidence of the immense physical attraction between us. 

This continued for 2 years time and then he began to get more and more serious and even had thoughts of having a baby together. Wstork-flying.pnghen I was in my 20’s the word “baby” could send me into an anxiety attack in itself. I – did – not – want – kids!
Adding to that (after Mr. Temper and having to live with my parents for a while) I wasn’t crazy happy telling my parents about the relationship. I’m sure they suspected… but I also knew they wouldn’t approve.

1402589795244.jpegBut what really brought it down ws the fact that I wanted to go back to school and earn my degree in marketing. It required evening school and I was determined to make it happen. Mr. Tough Guy wasn’t too happy about that. He tried to understand, but once I begun and had homework during weekends, the support drizzled away and eventually I felt like I had to choose between him and a higher education.

It takes more than physical attraction to make a marriage work!

It hurt! The amount of tears I cried when I realized I had to break it up could fill an ocean. The amount of tears he cried when I ended it… It still hurts.Unhappy-couple-with-coffee-cup-sitting-at-table-in-kitchen.jpg

 

Somewhere hidden deep within my heart I still love Mr. Tough Guy. But after our breakup we didn’t see each other anymore and it’s been some 20 years now.

 

Perhaps it could have worked out… 

– Maybe if we had been on the same page and both known Jesus 
– Had we taken time out to actually talk & support each other
– Maybe, if there had been more between us than our naked skin.

Having said that – Even if Mr. Tough Guy and I had known Jesus and built up enough of a relationship to support a marriage… Us being virgins on our wedding night would have been a pure miracle from the Lord. Obviously we both had previous relationship/marriage so “impossible” comes to mind – but literally the physical attraction between us was simply far beyond our human control.

I know I’m supposed to say “with Jesus you can resist!” and I do actually firmly believe that, but neither of us knew Jesus, so we had the chance of a snowball in hell!…832ce60b2fa9b9d07e642cfe94606b99.jpg

Temptation from psychical attraction can be exactly THIS powerful and overwhelming – and if it happens to you and you give in to the romantic screen play, please don’t despair. There IS forgiveness and blessings in the future if Jesus is alive through His Holy Spirit in your heart.

I can’t give you a green nor a red light here! The choice is yours.

 

Troubles are not permanent – Scars are

Trouble was looming!

silly-face.pngMr. Temper arrived on the scene. Oh my oh my… I was 10 kinds of blind, stupid and deaf. People warned me against him… told me he was living with another woman.
I actually found that out pretty quick, but the sad part was that I seriously couldn’t care less. I had it so bad for this guy that it gives me chills to think about now! I was head over heels in love!

We met when he could – e.g. when he could get away from home, okay “her”… He couldn’t choose between us, so he kept us both. For a time. Eventually, she left him and he came crying to me…
The 10 kinds of stupid I mentioned before – This was one of them: He cried to ME about her leaving him. Whaaat? Seriously disturbed.
We ended up living together and I can’t say my family were thrilled by this, but they had little choice; I was enough of a rebel to choose him over my family.

Good heavens – What I want to call “stupidity” here, was actually a deep inability to love myself…

The first year went fine. Well, I was walking around in circles totally dumb’ed out by this guy. The 2nd year went straight downward: I fell out of love and regained my sight! I began to withdraw from him. Felt stuck and wanted out but was still attracted to him, so really didn’t want out.
No, it doesn’t make much sense.abusive relationshipppp.jpg
I somehow knew he found a mistress. Though I couldn’t prove anything, he was an incredible liar. I had been the new girlfriend. Now I was the girlfriend he was trying to ditch.

Same script, different cast.

We reached a point when tension hit the roof and I tried to get out of the relationship. For some reason that provoked him greatly.

We ended up having a fight but when I said I wanted out, he grabbed my arms and pushed me up against the wall. I should have been angry and hurt. But I was just plain scared. A phone call came and he had to leave. But before he left, he told me he was sorry, he said he was scared of loosing me and he was afraid I wasn’t gonna be there when he got back – he was right.

Before you think “duh – of course you should get out of there”, let me tell you: Leaving that day was an incredibly tough decision, though I have no rational reason for it. I knew it was right, but I still loved the guy.

As the “charming bad guy” I was hopelessly attracted to him and we continued to meet for several months until I finally broke it off. The relationship was sick at the core – he had a bad temper and had told lies since I met him.
Today I wonder what he actually valued.

Iimg_0059.jpg got out of this troubled relationship – eventually. But the mental scars are still there. This was like an orchestra playing on my emotional piano. Just saying “no” wasn’t at all “just that easy”!!

The point I’m trying to make here is simple: The only thing worse than a liar, is a liar with a  bad temper! If the values are questionable and the personal life a mess, stay away until things are in alignment…

Values are what the Bible gives us because we are valuable to God!

If lies are spoken, the heart is full of them.
Jesus tells us to “love your neighbor as yourself”. Please don’t miss out on that last part: Love… yourself! Jesus tells us to. And a part of loving ourselves is to put up boundaries and not allow some person to use us as a doormat.

76178_10151438508061718_230102970_n.jpgBecause God is present with all of us, whether we want to believe it or not, He was well aware of what I went through in my younger years. He allowed it… and also shielded me, because His purpose all along had been to use me to share my experiences with all the young people of today – I know you are facing peer pressure, I know porn, soft and hard, are available online for free, I know fashion states you to dress in certain ways etc…

My prayer is that Jesus brings this message to you:

A part of loving yourself is to protect yourself from harm.

 

Go- No- or – No go!

james_dean.jpgLife in the fast lane… ehh…

My love life was pretty casual, but for the most part it never went beyond flirting. Honestly. It was the early 1990’s and I lived my life mainly during the weekends.
I loved the night life: Dancing and loud music, being out all night until 5 or 6 am, dancing on the loudspeakers, flirting my way around like a careless drifter… I never stopped and thought about what I was doing or the dangers involved. I truly lived in the “here and now – ala James Dean” moment. Looking back I seriously wonder how I managed to make it through the weeks in between!

The bar served My favorite drink coke & whisky! Deliciously sweet and sharp and definitely made me care a lot less about – well, just about anything.

passion_love_kiss_lips_8019_1920x1200.jpgOn a few occasions, I would take a flirtatious guy up on “his offer” and end up in a bed not my own. Most guys were kind… but if you choose to venture out there – in the “field of passion” – you need to know the risks.
–  Fixing myself a coke & whisky to share one night which still stands chiseled in my mind:

I had been dancing and drinking since arriving at the nightclub, e.g. at least a couple of hours. Mr. X and I were socializing in the same circles. We kind of knew each other though we hadn’t flirted before that night and I’m wondering if it really was flirting as – well, looking back, Mr. X was by no means a guy with a look I would normally fall for.

We got to his place and I admit that after that, I remember only bits and pieces… I remember his bedroom, the smell of soap, his eyes looking at me with some empty unexplainable look and his hand between my legs. Creepy…
I remember no kissing or foreplay. And then I remember the pain as he tried to penetrate several times and each time with a harder push – and then my mind goes totally blank.

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I woke up slightly disoriented. I can’t remember if Mr. X was in bed, but I got up and saw a whole lot of blood stains on the white bedsheets and a line of dried blood down both my thighs and blood on my hips and body. And it was not that time of the month!
I washed myself and got dressed and left.

I was 17 at the time and my actions was 10 kinds of stupid. A futile attempt to fill a void in my heart. A place where love should be thriving, but was utterly empty.

Saying yes the first time, makes it easier to say yes the second time and third time and after that, it becomes “normal”.

a-segment-on-scars-10-638.jpg But the bottom line is as usual; It was my choice.
I could have chosen not to go home with the guy.
It does not justify his actions, but young girls and guys;
God gave us rules to protect us, not to restrain us. 
The Lord taught me a valuable lesson that night – in retrospect of course as back then I had no Almighty Lord to pray to. Humans procreate no more different than animals; Instincts given to us at creation takes over the brain function if the passion is allowed to go on too long and there is no self-control.
If one says “go” but the other says “no” – One person will get hurt and the Living Lord gets hurt through it.

Nobody knows me like God does and even 10 kinds of stupid can be forgiven. My wounds beneath has been healed, but I’m left with the scars and memories of my actions. Mr. X is a face I would have chosen to erase from my memory bank if I could…

Just think twice!

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And with this I go before my Lord asking Him to take my message to those He wishes hears it, to guide those who need guidance, to heal those who need healing. Only by sharing the scars you have healed Lord, can I show someone that only you Lord Jesus can fill any void in a heart searching for love. I pray those You choose Lord, will allow you in. Amen.

 

Respect has no grey zones

greys1.jpg50 shades of grey? No’b – strike that!…

After my crucial “first yes” to loosing my virginity – and “yes” to have the knowledge of my own body’s reaction to intimacy – and the loss of innocence, it took some time before I entered “round 2”.

 

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This time I wanted a relationship and that happened in a really weird way;

I went on a school bus trip to the city of Prague. It was an all night drive to get there, but a week of studying the history of Prague and in case you haven’t been: It’s a gorgeous city! But it was a bus full of teens and for us the real trip was to party in a country where, at that time, everything was incredibly cheap.o-PRAGUE-900.jpg

We had emptied the hotel bar one night (for alcohol, not people) and the morning after, my hotel roommate found a note to me passed under the door.
– Could have come straight out of a British Agatha Christy series… But didn’t.
The note simply read “I love you”.
I found out it was from Mr. Cute. He was cute mainly because he was romantic. He certainly wasn’t very bright, but that’s not the issue.

Did I love the guy back? Hmm… honestly? I think I tried very hard to convince myself that I did. After returning from Prague we met and “hooked up”. Looking back we had extremely little in common…
Was he attractive? I can’t remember if I thought so, but I do remember that we didn’t exactly have great sex, he was definitely on the melancholic side and we had a hard time keeping a conversation going! Red flags all over, but unfortunately naivety blinded my sight.

I frequently stayed at his place overnight (Why oh why did I do that?!?).
One early morning I was awakened by a weird feeling between my legs… The guy had actually penetrated me in my S-L-E-E-P!!!
Good heavens…
Once I realized what he was doing, I got out of bed very quick – and got real angry! Mr. cute suddenly wasn’t all that cute and I wanted to know why he did what he did. Guess what he said:

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XKaBkMx.jpgI couldn’t resist!!… Duh… I was sleeping and he couldn’t resist?!!

 

 

 

What could possibly move a guy to do that??
Okay, I’ll tell you: Lust and disrespect!
My anger and his useless excuse brought the relationship down.
… If indeed we ever actually had one.

When I broke up with him, he played the “I’ll kill myself if you leave me” card. This was the first relationship I actually had and him saying something as rough as that actually scared me.
If a partner plays you “the suicide card” – get the h* out of there! and fast.

I was still much too naive to see that love doesn’t happen between the legs. Though granted: it is certainly a nice spot… if you’re with a guy who respects you!

I learned my lesson and though I kept asking “why did he do that and what did  I ever do to him…?” it did me no good. trish3.gif

His respect is shown in his actions. Not his words (and it isn’t in his kiss either!).
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How do you know if a guy respects you? If he respects and accepts that you 1) stand on the love of Jesus, that you have 2) chosen to follow Him (the Lord, not the guy!) and 3) keep your virginity… and even better: If the guy has chosen to do the same!

 

There are no grey zones in respect. Your partner either does or doesn’t respect you. ca10b946bb86071aa9ccbcdcc6696432.jpg

 

 

Somewhere around 16

As naive as I was at age 16, tumblr_ktfjxl20iW1qa3yd4o1_500.jpgI was fully aware of my own body and – guys? They were… well… interesting. At 16 I was a little “behind” my friends who had already gone straight for the prize of loosing their virginity. It was popular at the time to “know what you were doing” and yet Madonna was still singing “like a virgin” (despite at the time it being 5 years old). The mind of a teen girl is plenty messed up without adding boys and music into the mix, but that’s the reality of the world. It was 1989.

I honestly do not know what I expected when my virginity were at the brink of gone. Before, during nor after.

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But I can say for sure that “food-sex” never crossed my mind!
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I had been partying at the harbour festival and met this mr. nice guy. Yes, he was actually a really nice guy… to look at. Spoiled rotten high class guy with irresistible charm.

images.jpegI remember pondering which way to go when he asked me to come over the following week… You gotta remember here, I had no Lord to hold dear at that point. I was accountable only to myself (parents?… I don’t think I ever intended to tell them anything). I made a most curious yet crucial decision that week – I was going to go, experience “the first time” and never see the guy again. That way, I didn’t have to care at all and quite frankly, he was exactly the type of guy for that type of casual relationship.

After talking in the kitchen for a bit he started to tell me about his ex-girlfriend (… today I wonder why I allowed him anywhere near my body! – his ex-girlfriend?? really??) ChocolateSpa1.jpgand how they used to have food sex. Smear each other in all sorts of delicacies and well… you get the idea! –
I said no way… but an hour later I was no longer an innocent virgin.

I have heard gruesome stories of how horrible and painful the first time can be. I have no doubt that it is possible… but for me there was no pain and I felt no loss. My body responded and it was actually really nice and he was a very gentle and kind guy. I walked out of his home and never looked back.

Should I have done what I did? No’b.
Why was it such a crucial decision? Because that was the moment I decided not to care.
But the fact remains that it was my choice;
I lost my virginity that day because I wanted to…

I didn’t know any better and with that I began a journey with the desires of the flesh. c6c596d48199df7c1b4a463867edaa18.jpg

I never saw the guy again, didn’t want to, I didn’t love him and I hadn’t fallen in love with him. I had no emotional attachment at all.
In today’s world I believe it’s known as casual sex.

 

 

dontknow-blog.pngSex outside of marriage is a sin against the Lord! But I did not understand that I was accountable… I was 16. Had never gone to church. Had parents who said “if you’re gonna do it, do it safely – make sure he wears a condom”.

Had I heard that sex before marriage is a sin? Of course… “But God did not exist so who cared”… Well, years later I discovered that Jesus did – He cared!

Jesus-Cares-for-you.jpegBut at the time I had no idea how badly I hurt Him. Or how bad my reputation would get as I got on that journey of the flesh. Do I regret things today? well, yes… but I can’t go back in time and change anything. And everything I went through made me who I am today and God is using this – to reach you. I pray He does.

As for the food sex… then that lingered in my mind for a long time. Food-sex-584831.jpg

Warning: Unless you have an open mind, do not read on… but if you can handle it, here goes: If you need a little something to spice up your marital life, then chili, chocolate and honey are recommendable. The whip cream you see in the movies? Melts too fast… and cover your bed-sheets with an old towel!! It’s fun, but it’s not like the movies!