Fist for fight

Between a black eye – and verbal abuse? I’d take the fist… (though I’d much prefer neither!).

People see and respond to a black eye. They know something went down. Through the years I learned that abuse have more faces than a Broadway theater production. And I’m not even an expert on the subject… Thankfully

I tried hard to figure out why I got myself involved with Mr. Pride, but I did – Boy, I should have seen that coming!

265c5f5ada98930e547c438d9b20a8b6.jpgAfter deliberately concealing Mr. Tough guy from my parents (see previous post: What if), I carried around a load of guilt.
Guilt made me look for a guy whom my parents would like to see me with. That’s a “parent trap” if one was ever made! A good decent guy? Well, I found one… but “peel an onion and you begin to cry”!

There was no real spark between us. No physical attraction. But we would look good on family photos and it was a really good frosting on the guilt cake. My parents were thrilled; A decent guy with a good education… oh yeah – they saw grandkids already.

But, between Mr. Tough guy and Mr. Pride I found a “perfect” anti-climax!

giphy-1.gifWe went on a couple of dates. He came over for dinner, I visited him in his rental place. He lived remote from his workplace and 3 months after our first date, he was already talking about moving in to my apartment. I lived 5 min from his work… his argument? We could save a lot of money.

Yeah, that’s not really what you want to hear if a guy wants to move in with you… huh!

I stalled for as long as I could. But 6 months into the relationship, he brought it up with my dad and I couldn’t stall anymore… argh!Bad-Sex.jpg

At the same time, between the sheets things were no good and it was impossible to talk about. The reality probably was that Mr. Pride really couldn’t compete with my previous experiences.

 

While moving in, he arrogantly laid down the rule; His expensive design stayed – The rest had to go! I actually really liked my furniture…
But my parents were thrilled and I wanted to please them. So I agreed (not) – while drowning and compromising myself.

Arrogant-man.jpgI tried – I really did. But he got increasingly arrogant, critical, argumentative and it drove me nuts. Everything had to be his way and his style. If I was of a different opinion or taste, then I was wrong and he would both publicly, privately and within the family correct me and argue against me. He became angry if something disturbed his “picture perfect” family image.

My choice of tablecloth was changed into “the correct designer brand”. I of course participated in selecting the patterns and colors, because otherwise it would look like he was “in charge”… ?!? – but it had to be his choice of brand. After a year of this tension, I was broken and lost my voice. I became a doll-like person too scared to speak.

While my parents were waiting for a declaration of engagement, I was working up the nerve to tell him to move out. When I told my parents the break up news – to my shock – they supported Mr. Pride and despite my explanations of what had gone on, they couldn’t believe I wanted out.
I said “But I want to be happy” and my dad responded “happy loneliness”.
I told my mom “but I don’t love him” and she said “why don’t you just take him – he does everything for you!”.

111215031115-woman-black-eye-abuse-story-top.jpgSometimes, a fist in the face that leaves a visible bruise, is far easier to explain than low-key verbal abuse. Had I had a bruise, my dad and brother would have kicked Mr. Pride’s *beeep*… but all I had was an outwardly “perfect relationship” which I, as the “bad guy” wanted to end. – And all this, because I wanted to please my parents so I guilt-300x299.jpgcould cover up the guilty feeling inside.

Guilt! It’s a bad friend to walk with!

I have surrendered to the Spirit of Jesus and I no longer feel that guilt. I laid it at the cross. It doesn’t make things right, but my heart was made whole again. I can’t change my past. But maybe I can help you decide your future.

surrendering-your-pain.jpg

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9 thoughts on “Fist for fight

  1. Sorry to read about all that. I take my hat off to you for coming out a better and stronger person. I can say this now because I am older and wiser but parents don’t always get it right, I have two single adult daughters and I pray to God that they make the right decisions for themselves and that God will lead them along the right path. I try not to interfere rather allow God to do His work. It looks like you’re doing that right now !!!! God bless you ❤

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    1. Thank you. I love your comment and honesty. Back then, I didn’t know Jesus. If I had, I would have known my worth… today, some 15 years later I’m all the more wiser too 😇 and hope my experiences can help someone out there.
      No, parents don’t always get it right. But I think the best thing we can do as parents is show support even if we do not agree with the decisions our kids make and I think it’s ok to tell them we disagree, but still show them they are loved. Had I felt that kind of support, maybe I could have told my parents about mr. Tough guy and I wouldn’t have carried around such guilt… thus, sending me into the arms of a guy so clearly wrong for me. I hope this makes sense to you.., 🙇‍♀️ thanks for stopping by my blog. Appreciate the support ❤️

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      1. Yes, it makes a lot of sense, I am a mother with two adult daughters who are dating right now and I have to trust God and allow Him to work through them even when I get the urge to step in. Bless you and may Jesus and the Holy Spirit be your light and show you the way ❤

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  2. Lene – Thanks for stopping by BigSisterKnows.com recently; I’m so glad you did!

    I was once married to the same type of person you were with (Mr. Pride). I totally understand what you’re saying. People just don’t understand the mental abuse unless they’ve gone through it themselves. Thank you for being a voice of encouragement and love to women who find themselves in dark places. May God bless your life and your ministry!

    -Ashley

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  3. The parent trap will always haunt those who like to play catch-up with society. But a lot of marriages are cut out for conveniences, appearances and mutual benefits. If by odds you do find the perfect partner, you will soon realize that he/she is not that perfect as you had imagined. In the end, its all wish wash. When you are working for a six or seven figure salary, you would often look back and think how life would be so much easier if you had that 5 figure salary

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  4. Pingback: I’d take the fist! – Wrestling with Faith – Dancing with Jesus

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