What if Mr. Tough Guy and I had more between us than skin. Maybe if Jesus had been a part of our lives. What if…
This post addresses the most intense love affair of my life. This part is very difficult for me to share and maybe I’ll even take a shot of whisky & cola!
Because somewhere in my heart, I still love him.
He was 38. I was 20. I know – “ew – old man, young girl”… The only evidence of his age though was probably his grey hair, but…
He was simply oh! so! s-e-x-y!!
I’m not kidding. His biceps were – ahem – big. He was a paver by profession, lifting heavy stones and paving the most beautiful patterns pavements can have – especially in “royal countries” if that might spark your imagination… His hands were rough and skin was suntanned, the tattoos were intriguing and his look was that of a biker. I name him Mr. Tough Guy for good reason.
After I had finally squirmed away from Mr. Temper, all I really wanted was to feel safe. Safe in the arms of someone who would not force himself on me or throw a temper tantrum. Mr. Tough Guy was safe, respectful and kind at heart.
When he was 18 he married this girl who had a very young baby boy (with a guy who packed it all up and left). He adopted the child and considered it his own flesh and blood. After some years they had two more sons followed by a divorce. So in essence I was the girlfriend to a weekend dad and younger than his oldest son. A little weird.
I remember our first kiss. Very very romantic… definitely fit for a romantic movie. I also remember being carried from the kiss to the bed and… I definitely remember the intensity of… well, you get the picture! I can honestly say that I have never experienced anything so intense before or after. It was like a movie screen play!
Our bodies were evidence of the immense physical attraction between us.
This continued for 2 years time and then he began to get more and more serious and even had thoughts of having a baby together. When I was in my 20’s the word “baby” could send me into an anxiety attack in itself. I – did – not – want – kids!
Adding to that (after Mr. Temper and having to live with my parents for a while) I wasn’t crazy happy telling my parents about the relationship. I’m sure they suspected… but I also knew they wouldn’t approve.
But what really brought it down ws the fact that I wanted to go back to school and earn my degree in marketing. It required evening school and I was determined to make it happen. Mr. Tough Guy wasn’t too happy about that. He tried to understand, but once I begun and had homework during weekends, the support drizzled away and eventually I felt like I had to choose between him and a higher education.
It takes more than physical attraction to make a marriage work!
It hurt! The amount of tears I cried when I realized I had to break it up could fill an ocean. The amount of tears he cried when I ended it… It still hurts.
Somewhere hidden deep within my heart I still love Mr. Tough Guy. But after our breakup we didn’t see each other anymore and it’s been some 20 years now.
Perhaps it could have worked out…
– Maybe if we had been on the same page and both known Jesus
– Had we taken time out to actually talk & support each other
– Maybe, if there had been more between us than our naked skin.
Having said that – Even if Mr. Tough Guy and I had known Jesus and built up enough of a relationship to support a marriage… Us being virgins on our wedding night would have been a pure miracle from the Lord. Obviously we both had previous relationship/marriage so “impossible” comes to mind – but literally the physical attraction between us was simply far beyond our human control.
I know I’m supposed to say “with Jesus you can resist!” and I do actually firmly believe that, but neither of us knew Jesus, so we had the chance of a snowball in hell!…
Temptation from psychical attraction can be exactly THIS powerful and overwhelming – and if it happens to you and you give in to the romantic screen play, please don’t despair. There IS forgiveness and blessings in the future if Jesus is alive through His Holy Spirit in your heart.
I can’t give you a green nor a red light here! The choice is yours.