Life in the fast lane… ehh…
My love life was pretty casual, but for the most part it never went beyond flirting. Honestly. It was the early 1990’s and I lived my life mainly during the weekends.
I loved the night life: Dancing and loud music, being out all night until 5 or 6 am, dancing on the loudspeakers, flirting my way around like a careless drifter… I never stopped and thought about what I was doing or the dangers involved. I truly lived in the “here and now – ala James Dean” moment. Looking back I seriously wonder how I managed to make it through the weeks in between!
The bar served My favorite drink coke & whisky! Deliciously sweet and sharp and definitely made me care a lot less about – well, just about anything.
On a few occasions, I would take a flirtatious guy up on “his offer” and end up in a bed not my own. Most guys were kind… but if you choose to venture out there – in the “field of passion” – you need to know the risks.
– Fixing myself a coke & whisky to share one night which still stands chiseled in my mind:
I had been dancing and drinking since arriving at the nightclub, e.g. at least a couple of hours. Mr. X and I were socializing in the same circles. We kind of knew each other though we hadn’t flirted before that night and I’m wondering if it really was flirting as – well, looking back, Mr. X was by no means a guy with a look I would normally fall for.
We got to his place and I admit that after that, I remember only bits and pieces… I remember his bedroom, the smell of soap, his eyes looking at me with some empty unexplainable look and his hand between my legs. Creepy…
I remember no kissing or foreplay. And then I remember the pain as he tried to penetrate several times and each time with a harder push – and then my mind goes totally blank.
I woke up slightly disoriented. I can’t remember if Mr. X was in bed, but I got up and saw a whole lot of blood stains on the white bedsheets and a line of dried blood down both my thighs and blood on my hips and body. And it was not that time of the month!
I washed myself and got dressed and left.
I was 17 at the time and my actions was 10 kinds of stupid. A futile attempt to fill a void in my heart. A place where love should be thriving, but was utterly empty.
Saying yes the first time, makes it easier to say yes the second time and third time and after that, it becomes “normal”.
But the bottom line is as usual; It was my choice.
I could have chosen not to go home with the guy.
It does not justify his actions, but young girls and guys;
God gave us rules to protect us, not to restrain us.
The Lord taught me a valuable lesson that night – in retrospect of course as back then I had no Almighty Lord to pray to. Humans procreate no more different than animals; Instincts given to us at creation takes over the brain function if the passion is allowed to go on too long and there is no self-control.
If one says “go” but the other says “no” – One person will get hurt and the Living Lord gets hurt through it.
Nobody knows me like God does and even 10 kinds of stupid can be forgiven. My wounds beneath has been healed, but I’m left with the scars and memories of my actions. Mr. X is a face I would have chosen to erase from my memory bank if I could…
Just think twice!
And with this I go before my Lord asking Him to take my message to those He wishes hears it, to guide those who need guidance, to heal those who need healing. Only by sharing the scars you have healed Lord, can I show someone that only you Lord Jesus can fill any void in a heart searching for love. I pray those You choose Lord, will allow you in. Amen.